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Dearest Steve and Jane,
I fully expect to live for a long time. There is much to look forward to; and I am planning to be part of all of the adventures, all of the challenges, and all of the joys in our family. As you know, I have always liked to express my love in writing. You tease me about this because at almost every birthday I write how important you two are in my life, how much I love you, and how proud I am of you. I don’t think I can say these words too often. As I have grown older, and anew generation has joined our family, I continue to cherish what we have even more. You all have been the delight of my life.
I am writing my Legacy Letter to you today, April 17, 2012 in my 70th year. It is my hope that this letter will be a record of some of my family stories, life experiences, and values that I can pass on to you and your children. There shouldn’t be any big surprises, since both of you know that I am not shy about sharing my thoughts with you. However, I hope this letter will help anchor you and the grandchildren during confusing or tumultuous times and give you a sense of family continuity.
First, I would like to share with you some information about our roots. You come from strong, what I believe is English and Scottish, stock. They’re tough. They’re dour. They have high cheekbones and narrow bodies, and they’re more likely to fight you than hug you. Some of them had a hardscrabble life.
Your great grandparents on my father’s side lived on a small piece of land tucked away in Chauncey Hollow, a narrow valley in the Appalachian Mountains. There, your great, great grandfather and grandmother raised mules that they rented to coal companies to pull coal cars in and out of the mines. Because of West Virginia’s topography, they had no land to grow crops. As you know, it is mountains and more mountains.
The big shameful secret in our family was that your grandfather was born out of
wedlock. He was raised, adored, and I have to add, spoiled by his grandparents.
I learned this fact when I was 45 years old from my mother. It explains why I can’t share much about my father’s mother or father. They were basically out of the picture.
However, I can describe what your grandfather was like. He was handsome, charming and athletic. My father sold carpet through a small wholesaler, Guthrie, Morris, Campbell and scraped by financially. If you walked down the street with my dad you stopped three times while he talked to people. He was a politician in an unelected way.
My dad’s legacy to me was his ability to talk to strangers and make them feel as if they were the most important people in the world. It’s a joke in the family that daddy never knew a stranger. He taught me that everybody has something to teach you and something to tell you that’s interesting. He taught me the value of curiosity. It’s a joy to observe how that value is expressed in our family today.
My father also displayed a strength at the end of his life that I admired. He was realistic about his life, growing old, and facing his death. He died at 93 years of age.
My mother was the oldest of five. I have been very close with her side of the family. My grandparents on my mother’s side were especially significant people in my life. They filled a void created by my mother’s chronic depression. Although my mother was loving, her illness prevented her from discharging some parental responsibilities. My grandparents demonstrated how important the role of grandparents can be in making grandchildren feel safe, protected, and loved. I try to emulate this special relationship with my own grandchildren.
My grandparents were both very hard working. My grandfather was tall and
imposing, handsome and stern. He was a learner and thinker in an informal way.
My grandmother was tough and funny. My cousins were afraid of them, but I was never intimidated. I snuggled up to my grandfather while he decompressed from work, reading the newspaper, and I hugged my grandmother. Others in the family kept their distance to avoid their frowns and jokes.
My grandmother was the youngest of six. She was the only girl and was expected to do all the woman’s work. This did not please her. She told me a story about how her mother would cook oatmeal for the family and then leave the oatmeal pot. The oatmeal of course turned to rock. My grandmother had to clean the mess, but one day she kicked that pot all over the kitchen. She said it made her feel great, and we laughed about it, but I wonder about the consequence of that insolent behavior. I don’t think it was laughable then.
Her daughter was my mother. I have two diametrically opposed views of my mother. When she was happy, she sang and baked. But she was often sad, crying on the couch or even hospitalized.
Yet, my fragile, tiny mom, at a whopping 100 pounds, brought out the best in everyone. She was sweet and people took care of her. One day when she and I went for a walk, she picked a flower and said, “I think I will plant this flower; I think it will grow,” and it did. That flower just said, ”Oh, Helen planted me; I have to grow.” Plants, people, they all wanted to make Helen happy. I grew into a vigilant, responsible person. I think it made my mother happy.
My family shaped who I am today, and I am a woman of strong opinions, firm beliefs, and consistent values. I hope I demonstrated these to you in your upbringing and how I lived my life. Let me share some of the important principles that have helped guide my life. I hope they can help you when you hit bumps in the road, come to a cross roads, or you experience confusion, new challenges, or insecurities. Here’s what I think is important:
LEARNING
When you were growing up, we would sit at the kitchen table, and I would quiz you on who was the governor and county executive. I always believed that democracy is not easy, but we all have a responsibility to know our elected officials, understand the issues, and be engaged in the challenging “democratic experiment,” we call the United States. Jane and Jim are engaged in your neighborhood development. Steve and Susan are engaged in the Friends Meeting. You both are making sure your communities are taking care of people in need. Taking care of family and community is what we are all about, and you demonstrate that every day; that makes me proud.
There were always healthy debates in our home. A dictionary and an atlas were right next to the kitchen table to help settle disagreements. I hope a love of learning continues to thrive in future generations.
Learning is really about nurturing and following your curiosity. There are no excuses for boredom. A family joke is that you should never tell me you're bored. If you tell me you’re bored, I’ll hand you a damp cloth and tell you to wash the baseboards. There’s always work to be done in the world and no need for boredom or self-pity.
I’m lucky. I’m a high energy person. I think life is fun. But I think you generate an interesting life by learning and looking for things that are interesting. You can sit back and say there’s nothing to do in this town, or you can say, “What is there to do around the corner? What’s down the street?” So I think that you should keep asking questions.
It’s unfortunate, but people sometimes assume too many things without really learning about a situation or a person’s circumstances. There’s always more to a story than you know. Don’t be too quick to assume. Collect information. It will help you avoid mistakes and make you a more open-minded person.
WORK
As you know, I started out as an English teacher and ended up as a high school counselor. I had the gift for helping teenagers discover their own abilities. They might answer my questions, “What would you like to do?” What do you do well?” by saying “nothing.” But we would talk, and they could walk out with a list of their ten strengths. I had kids who came back to me and said, “You know you changed my life.” That’s a pretty cool thing to get from your work. There were a zillion things to do at work. It was a very busy job. But it was always satisfying. I felt good about what I had done professionally.
Do whatever you do as well as you possibly can. You never know which thing you do will lead in a direction you want to take. Be aware that your life is going to go in a whole lot of different directions. None of our lives are straight lines. We’ve got to stay open to possibilities. Try to make your job something that you love. However, I don’t think everyone is going to have a job they love. For people whose love is something like art or music, they may not be able to make a living from these activities. Remember that there’s a lot more to our work than what we get paid for. Our vocation might be making music, but we might get paid for something totally different.
SIBLINGS
I have told you often that there is an unwritten rule, that you don’t have to like all your family members, but you have to love them; and you have to support them as best you can. My brother Jack and I are very respectful of one another, but we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things. I am proud of us in that we could fight wildly about politics, but if something happened to mother and dady we immediately became a team. I know that you both understand each other’s differences as siblings, but that you support one another when needed. You have both embraced the important roles of aunt and uncle. Sometimes a child can talk better with an aunt or uncle than a parent.
I’m extremely pleased that I have two loving, competent, functional children with
whom I have a good relationship, and they have a good relationship with each
other, their children and nieces and nephews.
WELLNESS
It’s a large and important topic, encompassing physical and emotional health. You are responsible for yourself in every realm you could possibly imagine. You have a responsibility to yourself, to your family, and to the world to manage things as well as you can - to manage your money as well as you can; to manage your body as well as you can; to keep your mind and spirit as healthy as you can.
It’s your job to take care of yourself. It’s not your job to take care of me or of anyone else who is capable of assuming that responsibility.
Since I grew up with a dysfunctional mother, I had to learn to be self-reliant. It’s a major component of who I am. I don’t ask for or receive help very easily, and that’s a roblem. I was taught that you never told people your troubles, so I would hide my problems from other people. I didn’t tell some people when I had a mastectomy and chemotherapy, and that hurt them. Sometimes it’s a sign of strength to ask for help. There’s a balance we all have to struggle with.
Another issue I struggled with was being hyper vigilant. Attempting to control the world by worrying is a waste of time and energy. You don’t have much control over the future. In fact, your amount of control is pretty darn small. My father had this strong sense of realism that I admired. Living in the present is a healthy attitude to cultivate. Take what you have right now and don’t fret about what’s coming, or what’s happened in the past. There’s little point in regret. I think we beat ourselves up worrying about the future, but I think it’s almost worse when we beat ourselves up about the things we did in the past or things that were done to us. Instead of saying, “Oh God, that was stupid,” which we can all say to ourselves, say, “You know what, I should have done that better, but I’ll do better the next time.” Everything you do in the past is part of who you are now. Respect that past. You’re not going to be as good, beautiful, or talented as someone else, but you’ve got what you’ve got. Be your own best friend and be kind to yourself. Self-acceptance is a gift to yourself.
At times when you feel overwhelmed, take one step at a time. Figure out what
needs to be done right now, write it down, and then do something. Don’t lie on the couch and cry. It’s not how smart you are, it is how hard you’re willing to work.
There may be times when you question what you are doing in your life, or who you are with. Ask yourself these questions:
- Do I like who I am and how I’m living right now?
- If the answer is no, then ask yourself, Is there something I can do about
that? Is there anything I can change?
- What is good about my life right now?
- What can I do with what I have to improve my life?
The fragility of life is such a cliché. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I looked mortality in the face and said, “Well crud, I better figure out what I want to do because this doesn’t just go on and on.” It’s difficult to live everyday as if it were your last, but I think we have to recognize the fragility of all life and all relationships. It’s your right and your responsibly to make your life as good as it can be and make your relationships as strong as they can be.
MY BLESSINGS
Not only am I blessed with strong loving relationships with the two of you, but, as corny as it sounds, I really like and respect the two of you for your special talents and personalities. Both of you are nurturers.
Steve, you care about people and are incredibly competent, smart, and informed. I don’t need to Google anything; I have you! You are an excellent father. You were a stay at home dad before it was a fad. It is delightful watching you parent the boys.
Jane, you were a wise child, and you still demonstrate wisdom. You were born old! I quote you a lot. I remember one of the times I had to go to my mother because she was ill, and I didn’t want to make the trip. You said, “Mom, it would be weird if you wanted to do this.” You helped me off my emotional hook. People bring their troubles and lay them on your doorstep, and you make them laugh and feel better.
I am also blessed with wonderful friends. I treasure them. I have friends who fill different niches in my life. Ultimately, friends become your family, and you need to nurture them like family. I think I have done that in my life.
MY HOPES
I would like to keep on doing what I think I have done all of my life, which is to be the person that people come to for support. Travel is very important to me: seeing new things, meeting new people and learning about how they do things differently. That is fascinating. I don’t have any big goals. I am not going to write a book or do anything big. I just want to continue to enjoy myself.
I think a lot about how people go through this last part of their lives, and I would like to stay busy and happy, not cranky and ugly. I would like to age with grace and die with grace. I hope that I am able to maintain my independence and enjoy all of you for a long time before the day comes when you have to help me in and out of the car and chop-up my food . I look forward to years of helping you, and then eventually I look forward to the time when you will take care of me.
We get together once a year and go to the beach for a week together. That is a
family tradition I hope you continue. I hope that after I am gone you keep getting the cousins together so that they can know each other. My cousins are important to me. You have all made great efforts to stay close with one another and to allow and encourage the children to know and to love one another. My dearest hope is that you maintain all of these relationships and continue to help one another.
I have had as good a life as anybody could have, and I have no regrets. If you remember me with the love with which I remember my grandmother, than I cannot ask for anything else. Yeah, I’d like you to cry a little bit for me, but then buck-up and go do something. Go take a walk. Do something fun and keep going.
As I close here, I have to chuckle because I realize that even at the last chapter of my life I do not stop giving directions. Humor me; it is who I am. I love each of you dearly. I have had a wonderful life. My family is my most cherished treasure. Each of you has developed your talents and individual abilities to become accomplished, talented, and funny people. I have so greatly enjoyed knowing and loving each of you.
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